​It’s been said that… “When one door closes, another one slams in your face”.
Well, I much prefer the ‘Sound of Music’ version….”When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window” and often, making a choice to open a door will mean actually having to close another door (or window).
The truth is, whichever way it comes about, to some extent you are stepping into the unknown. The end of something is the beginning of something else, with every yes there is a no and the alternatives of any choice exclude the possibilities of another.
Part of the unknown can be exciting, the hopes and dreams, the possibilities, the discoveries and challenges …and part of the unknown can be downright scary…the fear of failure, the sense of smallness, the feelings of being uncomfortable, vulnerable and out of your depth.
This year as you move forward, I would encourage you to ponder a little more on the side of hopes and dreams, possibilities, discoveries and challenges. 
As you close some doors, experiencing doors closing, move through the doors that open to you or move through those you open yourself, experiencing all the vulnerability that may accompany any of these changes, make a choice to call your fears adventure!

If you have seen, or are familiar with “The Lord of The Rings” trilogy, you will be aware of the character Frodo and his speech, from the last scenes of the third movie “The Return of the King”.
His words are some of the most poignant, for anyone who has been on a life changing journey or has had a life changing experience…
“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... and take hold”.
True and thoughtful words and such sentiments could be expressed when any relationship breakdowns, partner to partner, child to parent, friend to friend or when a loss is experienced through any separation or death. These words also ring true when experiencing any trauma, grief or significant life changing event as well. 
Some of the threads can’t be picked up, they were well and truly part of that old fabric and as we know, for many reasons old garments sometimes just don’t fit right anymore, get holes in them and certainly don’t take us into the future and meet future needs or even end up useful in preparation for future journeys.
Some though, are precious and can be reworked with some strengthening and then incorporated and integrated.
Relationship breakdown, especially divorce and long term partnerships, are considered to be right up on the list of the most stressful issues of life, right up there with death of a partner or death of a child and really they are one in the same.
Often this will symbolise many things: Death of a family, death of hopes, death of dreams, death of the possibility of a resolution of many opposing beliefs and values.
With this dying, also comes the opportunity for exploring new ways of living in the world and redefining ones place in the world.
Interestingly, the wheat grain must go into the ground and actually die before it germinates and produces the new shoot.
There are powerful lessons to be learnt and there is wisdom to be gained from these journeys and even though it sounds simplistic, the keys outlined below can move you towards these new ways of living.

1. Re-establish some safety and normalcy: engage in safe friendships and support networks, if there are children involved maintain as much normalcy and predictability as possible, take care of needs like sleeping, eating, exercising and hygiene, don’t make the demands too great on you or others…Attend to the basics.
2. Grieve the losses: value the lessons this period might yield, accept responsibility and determine, as much as possible, to honestly look at the part you played. Experience your emotions and see tears as healing, anger as protective, with something more vulnerable underneath that is the object of protection and sadness as the turn of the tide…Be curious about what this is about at a deeper level and also kind to self, talking and soothing yourself as you would a dear friend.
3. Reconnect with yourself and others: start exploring again, learn something new, engage in something maybe much dreamt about...but long hidden, laugh and move towards laughter and whatever brings joy…Dare to dream again.

​In intimate adult relationships, we often claim that ‘if only’ our partner would change their behaviour or act in a different way, the relationship would be better, but often if they attempt to satisfy the request, they are met with behaviour that quickly puts an end to the much wished for behaviour being repeated.
 
For instance, a partner may make the request, “Be open, not closed to me”, but when the partner is open, which involves vulnerability, the requesting partner reacts negatively, as if this openness is a sign of weakness or there is some ulterior motive to it.
 
Another situation might be when a partner requests “Be truthful with me”, but when the partner is truthful, the honesty is just too much honesty and not what the requesting partner had wished for.
 
Another even better one is, “I want you to accept me unconditionally”, but when the first infraction occurs in their partner, the requesting partner will not reciprocate with the same unconditional acceptance as was requested.
 
These paradoxes make it hard to move forward and mean that couples often remain stuck in the mire of their difficulties, unable to move on or to even reach the closeness in the relationship that they profess to desire.
 
The aim of couple’s therapy is to work on reducing sensitivities, whilst improving the couple’s responses to each other, all without violating the core values of each partner, or their deeply held principles.
 
Relationships can be the source of healing and growth for long held hurts, as long as each partner is prepared to take a step towards patience and understanding.
 
It’s often about being the change you’d like to see in your relationship. 

An Old Osage, American Indian saying goes like this. “If you want your place in the sun, you need to leave the shade of the family tree” 
 
As parents, we want the best for our children and really don’t like to see any of the ones we love experience difficulty and pain.
But what if there is pain that is necessary?
What if that pain that is deemed good for us?
What if non life threatening pain helps us grow and develop our “taking our place in the sun” muscles?
 
From the age of 0-12 we are generally concerned with making our children behave, but from the ages of 12-18 our focus needs to shift toward… “What skills do I need to teach my child in order for them to survive and progress in the adult world?”
 
There is a story I have heard that goes like this…
 
Parents of a male adult (aged 25) went to a therapist wanting him to “fix” their son, when the therapist asked where the son was, they replied “He didn’t want to come, he doesn’t think he has a problem”
The upshot was in many ways he didn’t…his parents had solved most of his problems for him…
No transport?...No problem, mum & dad were only to happy to be the taxi service.
No money?…No problem, mum & dad gave him plenty so he could work at his studies and still enjoy a social life
Flunked out of school?...No problem, mum & dad did everything to get him into another school
 
All the things that should have been his problem to work out were lovingly absorbed by the experts on life, mum & dad…and how did they become experts? They had to work it out.
Recent studies have been done that show that dealing with stress early in life, makes us better prepared to handle future stresses and gives credence to the mantra  “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
With adult kids living longer at home this sort of situation is becoming more common, but it can be handled as long as mum & dad are prepared to give their offspring some “problems” to deal with in order to turn their lives from “ happy & irresponsible” to “miserable & responsible”, as we can see that sometimes “helping” them may not really help.

You may have heard the saying…

“Fall down seven times…stand up eight” Confucius, or from the bible  “The righteous man falls down seven times, yet rises still”

No matter the viewpoint the sentiment is the same, we fall down, whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally or morally…and hopefully then get up to have another go. 

 Sometimes we are able to get ourselves up again and sometimes we need assistance. Sometimes we can see where we have tripped up and sometimes we are unable to see the wood for the trees and sometimes we can be tired from the previous fallings down and need to steady ourselves against a support until we have the strength to move along again.

 The networks around us whether through family, friends sport, hobbies or work all input either negatively or positively during these times of vulnerability and hopefully provide a soft place to fall while we gather ourselves again.

 Invest in healthy relationships and consider your network, so that their positive input helps you build the tenacity to get up again and when you do, go to it with more wisdom and with the lesson of that particular falling down learnt. 

Actually in therapeutic terms, there is more of a swing between the two.

Inner emotional pain can be severe, often worse than the physical.  During these times of pain, understandably there is often a swing towards something that will numb the effects. The swing towards the pleasure continuum tends to numb things for a while until the consequences of living purely with pleasure take their effect.

For instance, take someone who finds it difficult to be disciplined with money.

They realize that they have credit card debt rising or bills outstanding, which places a very real burden on them. To escape this pain, they may anaesthetize themselves with something more pleasurable, often an instant gratification of some kind, which is a quick cure for the pain being experienced; say overindulging in a chocolate, vegging out with the TV for hours on end, or even gambling away what they have left.

The false comforts that are chosen are anaesthetic and temporary and can manifest in many ways, but will only satisfy in the short term.

Some of these things are frowned upon and easily identified as detrimental, like a dependence on alcohol, cigarettes or drugs and some are seemingly innocuous, even praised favourably in society such as overworking, excessive watching and/or participation in sport and also materialism. Eventually the pain must be looked at again and if not dealt with and the swing understood, there can be a lasting devastating consequence, either physically, mentally or emotionally.

 We all need places to escape and to take the heat off in a tense time, but if the pleasure/pain swing keeps us oscillating madly, it’s time to identify and understand the false comforts we are using to ease this emotional pain, and then deal with the source of this pain.

There is hope.