An Old Osage, American Indian saying goes like this. “If you want your place in the sun, you need to leave the shade of the family tree”
As parents, we want the best for our children and really don’t like to see any of the ones we love experience difficulty and pain.
But what if there is pain that is necessary?
What if that pain that is deemed good for us?
What if non life threatening pain helps us grow and develop our “taking our place in the sun” muscles?
From the age of 0-12 we are generally concerned with making our children behave, but from the ages of 12-18 our focus needs to shift toward… “What skills do I need to teach my child in order for them to survive and progress in the adult world?”
There is a story I have heard that goes like this…
Parents of a male adult (aged 25) went to a therapist wanting him to “fix” their son, when the therapist asked where the son was, they replied “He didn’t want to come, he doesn’t think he has a problem”
The upshot was in many ways he didn’t…his parents had solved most of his problems for him…
No transport?...No problem, mum & dad were only to happy to be the taxi service.
No money?…No problem, mum & dad gave him plenty so he could work at his studies and still enjoy a social life
Flunked out of school?...No problem, mum & dad did everything to get him into another school
All the things that should have been his problem to work out were lovingly absorbed by the experts on life, mum & dad…and how did they become experts? They had to work it out.
Recent studies have been done that show that dealing with stress early in life, makes us better prepared to handle future stresses and gives credence to the mantra “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
With adult kids living longer at home this sort of situation is becoming more common, but it can be handled as long as mum & dad are prepared to give their offspring some “problems” to deal with in order to turn their lives from “ happy & irresponsible” to “miserable & responsible”, as we can see that sometimes “helping” them may not really help.
As parents, we want the best for our children and really don’t like to see any of the ones we love experience difficulty and pain.
But what if there is pain that is necessary?
What if that pain that is deemed good for us?
What if non life threatening pain helps us grow and develop our “taking our place in the sun” muscles?
From the age of 0-12 we are generally concerned with making our children behave, but from the ages of 12-18 our focus needs to shift toward… “What skills do I need to teach my child in order for them to survive and progress in the adult world?”
There is a story I have heard that goes like this…
Parents of a male adult (aged 25) went to a therapist wanting him to “fix” their son, when the therapist asked where the son was, they replied “He didn’t want to come, he doesn’t think he has a problem”
The upshot was in many ways he didn’t…his parents had solved most of his problems for him…
No transport?...No problem, mum & dad were only to happy to be the taxi service.
No money?…No problem, mum & dad gave him plenty so he could work at his studies and still enjoy a social life
Flunked out of school?...No problem, mum & dad did everything to get him into another school
All the things that should have been his problem to work out were lovingly absorbed by the experts on life, mum & dad…and how did they become experts? They had to work it out.
Recent studies have been done that show that dealing with stress early in life, makes us better prepared to handle future stresses and gives credence to the mantra “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
With adult kids living longer at home this sort of situation is becoming more common, but it can be handled as long as mum & dad are prepared to give their offspring some “problems” to deal with in order to turn their lives from “ happy & irresponsible” to “miserable & responsible”, as we can see that sometimes “helping” them may not really help.